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Lexie's Journal

Lexie struggles with her weight but is learning how to trust her body again with Am I Hungry?

Regret leaves the door open for learning
Posted on 03/13/2008 @ 3:55 PM

I ate too much tonight. It's the first time in a long time I've eaten enough to make me feel sick. When I look at the quantity alone it certainly doesn't sound like a lot of food, and it wasn't. But it was much more than I needed or I wouldn't feel sick. The positive thing is that my tolerance for eating large amounts is down. I hate feeling this way. It's not just the physical discomfort but the judgement that comes with it. My self-talk has improved but it still hurts me. Instead of, "You fat pig, you'll never reach your goals" it's more like, "Why did you do that? You feel miserable. Why did you do that to yourself? You knew you should have stopped, why didn't you?" And then help make better choices in the future. I knew I'd waited too long to eat and was at risk of over eating. I told myself to prepare less food so if I wanted more I'd need to take the time and energy to prepare more. But I didn't listen to my ownn advice. Then I told myself to put less food on my plate, and I didn't listen. Then I told myself to stop eating and wait until I had a chance to process and decide if I was still hungry....and I didn't listen. So why didn't I listen? The "easy" answer is "because I was too hungry." But is that the complete answer? I wanted the taste. The first part of my meal didn't taste very good. I didn't ask myself, "What do I want? What do I need? What do I have?" before I started. I had was leftover chili from lunch that wasn't even good at lunch....which is why it was left-over. It was late when I ate tonight and anything else would have required too much time. The second part of my meal was a dessert and it tasted a lot better, of course. So eating something that I didn't like led to dissatisfaction, which made eating something I did like taste that much better, making it harder to choose to walk away when I had enough. I told myself, " can have more later or tomorrow...when you are hungry" and I remember almost feeling...angry? That's really too strong of a word for what I was feeling but it's the closest thing I can think of. "I don't want to wait." I knew I was going to regret it. I knew I wasn't choosing what I really wanted when I continued to eat and I think that fed the desire to continue a way. It was...rebellion. "I know I SHOULD stop and I'm not going to..." Who was I rebelling against? The only person I hurt was myself. Had I judged the food as bad before I began and therefore rebelling against that judgement? That's a possability. Rebellion against myself and my "diet" thoughts. "I can't have this" leads to, "Wanna bet?" So tonight I find myself wishing I could go back. I can't go back. I can only move forward. In the whole scheme of things this was one meal. True the pain of my decision lasts longer than one meal, but there is value in the process. Doing it, and more importantly writing about it and processing it might help me make a better decision the next time I am tempted to continue eating after hunger has been satisfied. Knowing my original choice contributed to that decision might help me make better choices to begin with. All is not lost. In a few hours I get to choose again. Want to become more mindful about your eating

Michelle May M.D.

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