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Lexie's Journal

Lexie struggles with her weight but is learning how to trust her body again with Am I Hungry?

What am I afraid of?
Posted on 01/30/2007 @ 7:03 PM

Eating still scares me. Fear AGAIN. How many times am I going to struggle with that?! Ok so every time I have struggled with fear the "real" fear was opposite of what I thought it was at first. When I first started my journey to quit smoking I thought I was afraid of failing. I was really afraid of succeeding. I am not afraid of food.....I am still afraid of not having food. I have plenty of food in my house. I have enough money to buy food again. I have friends that would help me if I ever needed food. Not having enough food is not an issue any more. I do not fear failing to lose weight. I expect to fail. I want to fail? What does success at losing weight mean for me? How will it change my life? What am I afraid will happen if I lose weight and improve my health? Losing weight and improving my health will improve my quality of life. I will enjoy life more. I feel like I don't deserve to enjoy life. Losing weight will make people look at me differently. When you are very over weright most people don't see you....they see the weight. I see my weight as my shield, my protection. If I lose the weight I lose my protection. I fear people getting to know me, or wanting to get to know me. At the same time I really want to broaden my relationships. I want to be more outgoing. I want to meet new people. I want to be comfortable with myself. I want to be seen, and I don't want to be vulnerable. I feel vulnerable when I think people really see me. Challenge thoughts..."I feel like I don't deserve to enjoy life". It's not about "deserving". Sometimes life is enjoyable, sometimes it's not. No one "deserves" a good life or a bad life. Things I've done in the past do not make me "deserving" of a miserble life. Things that were done to me in the past do not make me "deserving" of a miserable life. It was just life happening. It's over. I can't change it by causing myself to have less from life. It doesn't "make up" for anything. It doesn't make things better. I forgive myself, again...and will again choose to live for today. Challenge thoughts..."Losing weight will make people look at me differently". I think it's truth that in general people do not look deeply at other people. I believe it's truth that being over-weight makes the deeper me more invisible. However, I am not my weight. My weight does not define me. People know me deeply already and they find me a worthy person to have a relationship with. I am not protecting myself with my weight; I am hurting myself and I am creating the walls that are separating me from my goals. I have helped myself in the past by taking it one moment at a time and not thinking about the future. I used distraction. I used reality. I used "self soothing" to some extent. I asked for help. There is a part of me that doesn't want to give this up but I know giving it up will improve my life. Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day. I will not have time to stop until evening. I must be extra careful to take care of myself. My goal is to learn to eat only for hunger. My goal is to use the skills I've already learned to deal with the emotions that come up. My goal is to improve my skills. My goal is to be aware of triggers. My goal is to learn from my mistakes. My goal is to not judge myself. My goal is to keep trying. I can only do my best at any given moment. Sometimes my best sucks. It's still my best. I WILL keep trying. I am not a failure. I am a constantly changing and growing human being. I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I can continue to work. Nothing can stop me from reaching my goal if I keep trying. My goals will change and grow. My time line is life-time. I will continue to work towards my goals until I die. Some goals I will reach. Some I never will. There is value in the journey. Resources: www.AmIHungry.com

Michelle May M.D.

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